Educationalists consider a certain degree of sibling rivalry to be fundamentally normal. As a result of excessive competitiveness, however, injuries can occur and pain or anger can arise, which can escalate into resentment and hatred. The sibling rivalry between my brother and me was never particularly pronounced over the years – we almost always got along well. Almost. Because our “Gallic village” was the annual soccer simulation from Konami. We still play the current installments of the Pro Evolution Soccer series (now renamed eFootball) against each other – but after moving out of our parents’ house, we only play online. Since then, anger, hatred and resentment have become less – there was a lot more pepper in the duels in the children’s room back then. Much more. Much too much.
The crux of the matter was always the last game. It didn’t matter whether we had played five or twenty games in a row – the last game was always the reason why we often didn’t speak to each other for days. It was our own fault. We had made the last game too emotionally charged. Following the “all or nothing” principle, we chose the respective Pro Evolution Soccer day winner with the last game. We called it “Tag-Niederlage-Sieg” (Day-Loss-Victory). Strange name. It was also strange that at some point this game really took on such an emotionally important significance in our minds. Tension and concentration were at maximum in this all-important game – the length of our own fuse, on the other hand, had shrunk to a minimum. In order to gain a psychological advantage, the other’s trigger points – which, of course, you know only too well as a brother – were not only pressed, but literally tackled with a jackhammer. Ten minutes. Soccer. Ten all-important minutes. Damn important.
Writing down the emotional world of those ten minutes in classic text form was not something I could do. It didn’t do justice to my perfidy in the event of winning the “tag-loss-victory” game. It wasn’t until I formulated a step-by-step guide that I felt I could make my perfidious pressing of the fraternal trigger points more comprehensible: Two Do-It-Yourself Recipes based on two “day-losing-victory” scenarios. Recooking allowed.
Scenario 1: The winning goal in the last second
Raise the controller slowly and gleefully in the air. Don’t say a word, don’t look at your brother. Slowly stand up and leave the room. In front of the door loudly shouting “Boom! Invincible!” scream. Wait outside the door. Wait for a long time. Meanwhile, press the stick of the controller to the left for a few seconds and then to the right again. This causes the replay of the hit (which only the scorer can push away) to be played again from the beginning. Then enter the room with tentative steps and sit down wordlessly. Lean backwards. Wait for the direct whistle after the kick-off. Raise the controller in the air with pleasure. Not saying a word, not looking at the brother. Brother leaves the room without a word and slams the door. Wait a few seconds and shout again loudly (it must be audible to the other person!) “Boom! Invincible”. Turn off the console.Scenario 1: The winning goal in the last secondRaise the controller slowly and gleefully in the air. Don’t say a word, don’t look at your brother. Slowly stand up and leave the room. In front of the door loudly shouting “Boom! Invincible!” scream. Wait outside the door. Wait for a long time. Meanwhile, press the stick of the controller to the left for a few seconds and then to the right again. This causes the replay of the hit (which only the scorer can push away) to be played again from the beginning. Then enter the room with tentative steps and sit down wordlessly. Lean backwards. Wait for the direct whistle after the kick-off. Raise the controller in the air with pleasure. Not saying a word, not looking at the brother. Brother leaves the room without a word and slams the door. Wait a few seconds and shout again loudly (it must be audible to the other person!) “Boom! Invincible”. Turn off the console.
Scenario 2: Clear start-to-finish victory
Spend the entire ten minutes of the game pointing out that you not only easily beat the other person, but that you absolutely dominate him. To do this, shout “Total dominance!” at irregular intervals. Stop the beautiful build-up play when you have a sufficiently clear lead and instead just shoot every ball wildly, far and high to the front. At the same time, they spout soccer phrases such as “High and wide brings safety”. Praise every goal scored by the other team, although the cynicism must be palpable, but not overly emphasized. Towards the end, they strike the death blow and whisper to their brother: “Why don’t you play properly? Or just say before the game that you don’t feel like it anymore.” In the meantime, abandon the actual playing posture and spend the last few minutes pushing the balls forward from a prone position. At the same time as the final whistle blows, add a clearly audible “That was clear.” and at the same time seek eye contact. A “Should I leave the console on so you can practice a bit more?” while the brother leaves the room makes for a well-rounded overall hate experience.Scenario 2: Clear start-to-finish victorySpend the entire ten minutes of the game pointing out that you not only easily beat the other person, but that you absolutely dominate him. To do this, shout “Total dominance!” at irregular intervals. Stop the beautiful build-up play when you have a sufficiently clear lead and instead just shoot every ball wildly, far and high to the front. At the same time, they spout soccer phrases such as “High and wide brings safety”. Praise every goal scored by the other team, although the cynicism must be palpable, but not overly emphasized. Towards the end, they strike the death blow and whisper to their brother: “Why don’t you play properly? Or just say before the game that you don’t feel like it anymore.” In the meantime, abandon the actual playing posture and spend the last few minutes pushing the balls forward from a prone position. At the same time as the final whistle blows, add a clearly audible “That was clear.” and at the same time seek eye contact. A “Should I leave the console on so you can practice a bit more?” while the brother leaves the room makes for a well-rounded overall hate experience.
Football, my old buddy football. I don’t believe in coincidence. I believe in you, football, football.
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