Open pants

As a teenager, my best friend and I had a habit of riding down muddy slopes on skateboards or wallpaper tables, or jumping from parking garages into bushes and filming ourselves doing it. It was an extremely dirty and sometimes no less painful experience.

We put the videos to music and uploaded them to our website to distribute them to people we knew. Of course, we never became famous, but our acquaintances felt well entertained and in the end that’s what matters.

That we had no desire for fame, reach and notoriety, shows especially my so-called penishangsoutpants.

The penishangsoutpants were a pair of wide, gray pants that I wore during many of our shoots. They had a few holes in them, the fabric was damaged and in the end they were perfect for what we were doing. After each shoot, they kept breaking down and one day the zipper wouldn’t close, which was supposed to prevent my private parts from taking on a life of their own during a fall. Since that day, we called the pants the penishangsoutpants.

Whether my penis actually practiced hanging out once during the shoot, I would not like to reveal at this point. I believe that I have already created enough images in your heads with the previous descriptions and do not have to drag the whole thing out even further.

In any case, the penishangsoutpants represented an important part of our videos. Some would even say that they were a character in their own right, like the island in the series “Lost”. Of course, they presented us with problems. You couldn’t become famous with such pants, because the big media usually didn’t like penises hanging out.

Again and again I thought about whether a video game could have been developed for our little internet series. A little game with all kinds of crazy mini-games. But by now I know that wouldn’t have worked, because it would have been censored by Nintendo for sure. There’s no way my penishangsoutpants would have made it onto a Nintendo console.

You don’t believe me?

Then I’ll prove it to you. Using Sorocco’s testicleshangoutpants from the game Roguebook.

Roguebook is a Rogue-like card game like Slay the Spire and yes, I too hate phrases of that nature, but we are now in a society that idolizes comparisons. Anyway. You fight your way through different levels while playing cards with attacks and abilities on them. That’s all you need to know, since this text is exclusively about a single, very specific card.

Sorocco has a card called “Flatten” and every time I see the testicleshangoutpants pictured on it, I think of my own penishangsoutpants. You can’t see a testicle in the picture with the pants-less and testicle-less bottom, but you have an inkling that it could happen at any time.

I really liked Roguebook, and not just because of this card and its memory. It also plays well in other respects, which led me to recommend it to my wife, who quickly played it on my Steam account and then bought it on the Switch.

When I looked over her shoulder one day while she was playing, I was amazed when I saw the flatten card on her.

One had patched the hole. The pants had been stripped of their character. The testicleshangoutpants had become ordinary pants.

Whenever I think of Sorocco’s card, I’m glad there’s no video game for the show of my youth. I don’t know if I would have matured into the sensible person I am today if my penishangsoutpants had been made into ordinary pants by Nintendo.

I don’t think so.

Roguebook is a rogue-like game. You play cards, fight enemies, get stronger or die, and then start over. There are also pants.

This post is also available in: German